What They Don’t Tell You About Confidence and How to Stop Neglecting Your Self-Respect

Dr. Katherine Iscoe is a speaker, author, and advocate for self-respect. Known for her raw honesty and practical approaches, she helps individuals rediscover their self-worth, and become unapologetic versions of themselves. Continue reading for Dr. Iscoe’s advice on building confidence, and how to stop neglecting your self-respect…

A Blog for Days (ABD): What was the turning point that helped you move from hiding your struggles to sharing them so openly?

Dr. Katherine Iscoe: There wasn’t a single lightbulb moment or an Eat Pray Love kind of epiphany. It happened gradually, and I think that’s really important to say because so many people believe that one day they’ll be struggling, and the next day, everything will just click into place. That’s not how it works.

For me, it started small. Step one was admitting that I was the common denominator. The bingeing, the breakups, the breakdowns — the one constant in all of it was me. Step two was learning not to turn that truth into self-blame. Realizing I was the common denominator didn’t mean I was broken or bad. It meant I was the one with the power to do something different. Honestly, that part scared me more than admitting I was struggling.

Then came step three — asking the harder question. If it’s not “Why is life so hard?” then what is it really? Because blaming bad luck, bad timing, or bad people was easier than facing the real issue: I didn’t know how to handle life when it didn’t go to plan. And I was too ashamed, too stubborn, and too defensive to admit it.

I knew I was ready to start sharing when I could finally say, “And here’s what I learned,” instead of just, “Here’s what happened.”

ABD: You speak about transforming shame into shared strength. What does that process look like in real life, especially for people who are still in the thick of self-doubt or perfectionism?

Dr. Iscoe: Some lessons only make sense when we’re ready to learn them. You can tell someone all the right words to help them out of shame, but until they see how those words apply to them, it won’t click.

Shame makes us feel like a disappointment. It stops being about something we did and becomes about who we are. That creates this quiet, self-defining belief that something is wrong with us.

Turning shame into strength doesn’t happen in big, heroic moments. It happens in the small, everyday ones — saying no to plans without making an excuse, applying for a job before you feel ready, or telling someone you’re upset without apologizing for bringing it up.

Those moments might not look powerful, but they’re where real change happens.

ABD: In your work with founders and leaders, what are some of the most common ways you see perfectionism or burnout show up, and how do you guide them back to self-respect?

Dr. Iscoe: Perfectionism isn’t about having high standards. It’s a defense mechanism against looking stupid. The fear isn’t failing, it’s failing publicly. It’s the belief that if everything is flawless, no one can criticize you. But perfectionism doesn’t protect you — it just makes you criticize yourself first.

When that pressure builds, it doesn’t just exhaust you, it empties you.

These days, I’ve learned that “good enough” is usually more than enough. Recovery for me has been about focusing less on “what if” and more on “what’s next.” It’s giving myself grace to make mistakes, learn, and keep moving forward.

A few practical things that helped me:

• Stop re-reading and re-writing emails a hundred times. One read-through is enough for most.​
• Make decisions without obsessing about the “perfect” one. If it’s wrong, I’ll fix it later.​
• Move forward with projects that feel mostly ready — I can refine them over time.​
• Use the “yet” mindset. When I catch myself thinking “this will never get easier,” I remind myself I’m just not there yet.​
• Limit feedback loops. I still value input, but I don’t delay action waiting for everyone’s approval.

Burnout, on the other hand, isn’t just about doing too much. It’s often about the fear of being selfish. Would a narcissist ever burn out? Not likely. Burnout happens when you believe you have to keep giving or you’ll let people down. It’s when you confuse taking care of yourself with being self-centered. But taking care of yourself isn’t selfish — it’s responsible.

ABD: Many people chase confidence as a goal. You talk about daily choices that protect energy and values instead. What are one or two of those choices that have been most transformative for you personally?

Dr. Iscoe: Confidence is what gets you in the room. Self-respect is what keeps you standing tall when everything goes wrong.

Self-respect is that quiet reminder: I might not be the smartest, prettiest, or most successful person in the room, but I still deserve to be here. It doesn’t say, “I’m more important than you.” It says, “I’m important too.”

The biggest shift for me came when I realized there was nothing “personal” about my personal brand. My work was known for science-backed mindset content. I liked those topics, but I wasn’t passionate about them — I was performing them. “Keep it kosher” was the business strategy because that’s what corporations would pay for.

Consultants told me things like:

• “I need a box to fit you in.”​
• “I can’t sell you if I don’t understand you.”​
• “You have a PhD, so you should talk like one.”​
• “You’re a woman in STEM, so stick to science.”

And I believed them. I never stopped to ask, “But what do I think?”

Eventually, I did. I asked myself: What do I think? What do I want? And what action do I need to take to feel more like… me?

I realized that I’d become so dependent on others telling me what to say, I wasn’t even sure I believed my own words anymore. My content was meeting expectations — just not my own.

And no matter how much I tried to fit other people’s boxes, it would never bring peace. External praise feels good, but inner peace? That’s something else entirely.

You can’t live for validation and still expect to feel whole. What you think of yourself will always matter more than what you think others think of you.

Eventually, I met a consultant who didn’t try to change me but helped me uncover who I already was — and that was the turning point.

ABD: If you could go back and speak to your younger self, what truth or reassurance would you want her to hear?

Dr. Iscoe: That no one is thinking about you as much as you think they are. We spend so much time worrying about what other people think of us when really, they’re too busy worrying about themselves.

If I could go back, I’d tell her to take all that energy she spent on trying to be liked or approved of and put it into actually liking herself.